Ten Threats Of The Female Variety
by Quicquidlibet
Summary: or "Why Alphonse Elric is Afraid of Women."


**3/5/2012: I decided I was dissatisfied with the ending, so I changed it. I kept the original in the A/N at the bottom for those who read this before the edit and prefer the original.**

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><p>The two Elric brothers were often seen as a couple of mysteries. They were always eliciting the gossip of those around them. They were the talk of the town – any and every town.<p>

First there was Edward, the prodigy. A state alchemist at the age of twelve. How did he do it?

Then there was Alphonse, the brother. Always in that armor. What did he really look like?

Was Edward really that short?

Was Alphonse really the younger of the two?

Was Edward really as touchy about his height as they say?

Was Alphonse really as scary as he looked?

Why did Edward join the military?

Why _didn't_ Alphonse?

Question after question; rumor after rumor.

Then the Promised Day came and, quite suddenly, Edward was no longer a state alchemist and Alphonse no longer wore his armor. The military officers mourned the first development; the hormonal teenage girls celebrated the latter.

But even so, the talk continued.

Why did Edward give up alchemy?

Why did Alphonse give up the armor? (And, of course, the question of all the teenage girls, why did he bother to hide 'those amazingly good looks' in the first place?)

Why was Edward still in the military despite his lack of state alchemist status?

Would Alphonse become a state alchemist now that his brother gave it up?

And most importantly, w_ere they single?_

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><p>This first was by the name of Carla Whitman. Carla was a hazel-eyed beauty with shoulder-length brown hair and natural good looks. But she was still crazy. Day in, day out, she stalked the brothers <em>without rest.<em> For two. Whole. Months. _And they didn't even know it._ She would even watch them while they were changing. She was caught when Edward heard a rustling in the bushes when he went to get lunch from a nearby cafe. That was the first restraining order.

The second was Madeline Novoa, who came across as sweet and innocent. The ginger girl had joined Carla half-way through the second month. Not much to her story; she received her restraining order the same day as Carla.

Third was Jennifer Dynan, who they met during Alphonse's three month recovery period in the hospital. The blue-eyed blonde was in the mental ward. Usually, she was as kind as could be when talking to the brothers. But the day Alphonse was released, she threatened him with a knife not to leave. And so she became confined to her hospital room.

Jackie Tyler never gave any reason for her to receive a restraining order, but Alphonse still tried to avoid her. He had been grocery shopping and spotted her having trouble carrying a box of cantaloupe. He politely offered to help her with her melons, and she promptly slapped him. He was rather afraid of her. He was also afraid to use the word melons after that incident.

Fifth was Anna Davies, a brown-eyed brunette who, upon hearing that Edward was dating his long-time mechanic, attacked the boys' childhood friend. The restraining order came from Winry that time around.

Emily Kesten was sixth. Alphonse first met the auburn-haired, blue-eyed girl in the Central Library, where she worked part time. She was polite at first, but on his third time at the library, she interrupted his research by sitting on his lap and attempting to kiss him. She then proceeded to follow Alphonse to every other library he went to while trying to avoid her. That was the first restraining order from him on his own.

After Emily was Brenna Meier, a partially-Ishbalan girl that Alphonse was quite attracted to. He found her beautiful and even told her so, asking her out shyly. She said yes and they dated for six months. Then she tried to poison him and his brother, claiming she never loved him and only pretended to do so to get close to those military workers she wanted dead. She was arrested for the attempted murder of two high-ranking military officers.

The eighth was Delilah Haver. Delilah had dark hair and eyes, but incredibly pale skin. She asked Alphonse out, but he said no, as he was dating Brenna at the time. Delilah broke into his office and trashed everything. She was the fifth restraining order.

April Lieth was Alphonse's second girlfriend. She was banned from the Elric household for life when Winry discovered her trying – failing, but still trying – to seduce Edward. Needless to say, she and Alphonse broke up.

Last was Brigitte Liston, who worked for a year as Alphonse's secretary. At first glance, she was polite and stern. Second glance, the same. Third glance, one would believe they had met another person. When she was given orders she disliked, she started using her gun. She was arrested for using a weapon against her superior.

And then Alphonse swore off women, making the male fans of his think they had a chance. So he swore off dating.

Alphonse Elric has been scarred for life.

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><p><strong>So, hello. For those of you who read my other stories, I apologize. I hope to update them soon, but I'm having a bit of a block.<strong>

**This idea was born at random. Explanations: this is post-manga, like everything else I write. Al and Ed are both in the military, and Al is indeed a state alchemist. And yes, I did get slap-happy Jackie Tyler from Doctor Who. I just couldn't resist.**

**All of this was spur of the moment.**

**Below is the original ending:**

Last was Brigitte Liston, who worked for a year as Alphonse's secretary. At first glance, she was polite and stern. Second glance, the same. Third glance, one would believe they had met another person. Brigitte was quite clearly a cousin of Riza Hawkeye's – she certainly knew how to keep the boys in line. One of the few differences between the two was that instead of having to threaten Alphonse to do his paperwork, she had to threaten him to take a break from it.

Alphonse had a healthy respect for the girl and was determined to stay with her no matter how crazy she turned out to be (which was rather crazy, for she turned out to be a female Hughes, but that's a story for another day).

**In case you didn't get it, Alphonse and Brigitte were together. I did not intend to make this Al/OC (especially considering I support Al/Mei). It just happened.**

**I don't own anything.**

**~Jessica**


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